Not Another BSC Mystery
by PapayaWhip
Summary: When your twin sister is kidnapped who ya gunna call? Baby Sitters Club! ...BSC Sweet Valley High crossover...
1. Prologue

_Characters not mine. Mmmkay?_

* * *

Elizabeth Wakefield entered the living room, where her twin sister Jessica was sprawled across one of the couches. After being sixteen for what seemed like decades, the girls had _finally_ turned seventeen. Of course, they'd thrown a huge party to celebrate this monumental change in their lives, and now they met for a trip down memory lane.

"It's been a pretty crazy year, hasn't it?" Liz commented.

"Sure has," Jessica replied. "There's been cancer and death and suicide attempts and cocaine overdoses… And what about you, with all your near death experiences?"

Elizabeth smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I guess there have been quite a few attempts on my life."

"There was your motorcycle accident and your kidnapping and Margo and then Nora and the werewolf in London," Jessica recited. "Plus all those times you found dead bodies and the murderer came after you. After awhile I was like, 'Whatever!'"

"Like you can talk," Liz protested. "What about when Nora killed Margo and everyone thought it was you? We had a funeral for you. I never had a funeral."

"Okay, you win," Jessica conceded. "We've had a lot of good times, though. Remember Christmas, when Suzanne Devlin came to visit?"

"I thought Margo tried to kill me at Christmas," Liz said. "Or… didn't Jeremy Randall try to kill you then? And then there were all those winter carnivals and dances…"

The twins wore identical looks of confusion. Finally, Jessica shrugged and made a mental note to tease a fat person. Cause that's what she does. Cause she's the bad one.

"Hey!" Liz cried suddenly. "Wasn't Sweet Valley supposed to get an earthquake today?"

"Yeah but it didn't fit into this fanfic so it never happened," Jessica answered. "Hey, it's not the first time authors have screwed with our lives to make a story work!" She popped a pretzel in her mouth and continued. "It's a good thing too, cause I'm sure someone would have died and I couldn't stand losing someone I love."

"What about Sam?" Liz reminded her. "Or Christian? Or James?"

"Who?"

"James, you know, the guy you dated for, like, three days and he was all in love with you but it turned out he was working for Margo?" Liz prompted. "Margo killed him when he tried to warn you about her?"

"Oh yeah," Jess said with a small smile. "I forgot about him. Well, all those deaths happened during the miniseries and there was even less continuity in the miniseries than there were in the earlier books."

"That's true." Liz stood and stretched. "Well, I'm off to bed. See you in the morning."

The next morning, Jessica entered the twins adjoining bathroom and found herself face to face with Liz. It amazed her how identical they were, with their perfect blond hair and their perfect blue-green eyes and their perfect six 6 figures. Looking at Liz was like looking into a mirror.

Wait a minute. She _was_ looking into a mirror. She laughed and opened the door to Liz's room.

Liz's bed was unmade… but she wasn't in it. Straight away, Jess knew something was wrong. Cause they have that twin's intuition thing, you know? "I am getting so sick of this!" Jessica cried. She stormed down the stairs.

"Mo-om!" she whined. "Liz has been kidnapped. Again!"

Alice Wakefield smiled serenely and reached for her Valium. _Take one for a kidnapping, two for a near death _her prescription said. The bottle was nearly empty.

Alice took her pill and went upstairs to take a nap, leaving Jessica alone with the problem. She sighed and flung herself into a chair. This was totally going to ruin her vacation!

The morning's paper was spread out across table and a headline caught Jessica's eye. _Teenagers foil expert criminals… again!_ Jessica skimmed the article, her eyes widening as a brilliant idea formed. Suddenly, she knew how to deal with Liz's disappearance and have a great summer vacation at the same time.

East coast vacation!


	2. Kristy

**Kristy**

I wasn't surprised when Jessica Wakefield called. The Baby-Sitters Club have solved so many mysteries that it was only a matter of time before other series wanted to get in on it.

I called an emergency meeting of the BSC as soon as I'd hung up the phone. Luckily, Stacey was already over. She's been coming over a lot lately. Sam says they're doing the horizontal mumbo jumbo. I guess that's a dance. I wonder if Stacey can teach it to the kids.

After talking to Stace, I called the rest of the club. Claudia, Mary Anne, Jessi and Mallory agreed to come over straight away but Abby gave me a bit of attitude. Actually, it was her mother who gave me attitude. She was all, "Abby had a severe asthma attack and was sent to hospital." That's no excuse for missing a BSC meeting! So I went down to the hospital and dragged Abby back to my place. I didn't even remove her oxygen mask. That's how important the club is to me.

If only Abby possessed an ounce of my dedication.

* * *

"This emergency meeting of the Baby-Sitters Club is now in session!" 

I glared at my friends and one by one, they fell silent. Except for Abby who was breathing too loudly. I really should have ditched that oxygen mask. Well, it was too late now. I'd just have to give her my best Kristy Thomas death stares and hope she'd have the manners to ditch it herself.

"So what's the story?" Claudia asked, leaning forward excitedly. She was dressed for the occasion in a tweed overcoat and newsboy cap. Even her shoes, socks and earrings were made of tweed. She looked like Sherlock Holmes… well, a female, teenage, Japanese-American Sherlock Holmes. Claud's Asian but we don't care… no, wait, that's Jessi.

I told the club about the call I had received. I noticed with satisfaction that Mallory was taking notes. She'd hitchhiked all the way from Riverbend to attend the meeting. Now _that's_ dedication.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Mary Anne cried suddenly. We all turned to her expectantly. "If the Wakefield twins have finally turned seventeen… does that mean we're going to turn fourteen?"

I shot her an impatient look. "That's hardly important," I snapped. "Now, Jessica's arriving in Stoneybrook tomorrow afternoon so we have to be ready for her. This could be our most important case. So that means no more asthma attacks," I glared at Abby, "and Stacey? You're going to have to give up dancing," I told her gently. I'd seen how happy she was when she came out of Sam's room and I felt bad about making her give that up, but this was too important.

Stacey looked confused for a second, then she laughed. "Sure Kristy," she said. "I'll give up dancing." She put a strange emphasis on the word 'dancing' but I didn't have time to wonder what that was about.

"Are there any questions?" I asked.

Jessi raised her black arm. "Does Jessica mind that I'm black?" she asked.

I don't know if it's already been mentioned, but Jessi's black. Not that we even notice half the time. I'm sure that a lot of people don't even know that Jessi's black. It's not like we mention it a lot. But she is. She's black.

I shook my head. "She did mention that she had witnessed a few incidences of racism in the past but everything was always resolved positively and everyone learned a valuable lesson," I told her.

"That's good," Jessi sighed with relief.

"Any other questions?" Nobody had any so I called the meeting to a close. We all had a lot to do before Jessica arrived.

* * *

Because there always has to be a baby-sitting subplot, I gathered my siblings together later that afternoon to bake cookies for Jessica. We had arranged for her to stay at my place because I live in a huge mansion, on account of my stepfather being a millionaire and all. 

I told mom we were taking over the kitchen for a couple of hours. She rushed out of the room, calling out to Watson. It sounded a little like, "Woo hoo, free baby sitting! C'mon, let's get out of here!" but the acoustics in this place can be kind of funny so I'm sure I heard wrong.

Before long, I had an assembly line going in the kitchen – Karen and Andrew measuring out the ingredients and David Michael mixing the batter. I even put Emily Michelle to work. Being an adorable two-year-old adopted Vietnamese girl is no excuse for slacking off!

"C'mon guys!" I barked, clapping my hands together. "Mix! Pour! Mix! Pour! I want to see five dozen chocolate chip cookies on this table by dinnertime! Nobody goes to bed until the quota is met!" Sometimes you have to show kids a little discipline.

I told my siblings about Jessica and Elizabeth as we baked. Karen seemed fascinated. "Can we help!" she cried.

"Of course you can," I told her, my mind already assigning tasks. Karen was a little too young to do late night stakeouts, but I was sure there would be some undercover work for her to do.

"This is going to be great!" she cried. "I'm going to call Hannie and Nancy and… what about Maria and Tiffany?"

"They can all help," I told her. "In fact… you guys can be our junior junior members."

Karen squealed with excitement. I was pretty pleased myself. With us older baby-sitters _and_ the younger charges on the case, we were bound to solve it in no time.


	3. Jessica

**Jessica**

I looked around the crowded airport, hoping to spot a hot piece of ass. I had been practicing my best 'my twin sister was kidnapped and I'm so distraught!' face in the mirror just in case. It had almost worked with Nicholas Morrow, but then he'd fallen in love with Liz.

Hmm. If I _did_ meet a guy, I'd have to make sure to keep Liz hidden for a while. I was sure she wouldn't mind. What's a few more weeks of solitude when you've already been through a kidnapping?

I looked around at my travelling companions. I wasn't really sure why Winston Egbert or Bruce Patman were there; it's not like either of them were that close to Liz, especially Bruce. Still, they normally appear in all the super specials, so I guess it made sense.

Enid Rollins was sobbing quietly. I found that even stranger. Wasn't she used to Liz being kidnapped by now? And considering she would change her entire identity when she started college because she was supposedly so sick of being in Liz's shadow, I thought she'd be a little pleased to be rid of her. Todd Wilkins was hovering beside her, patting her back comfortingly and trying to cop a feel. I always knew there was something seedy about him.

Lila Fowler was having an argument with a young, blond girl who was lecturing her about the evils of wearing leather.

"Yeah, but this is _Italian_ leather," Lila seethed. "It's, like, high quality. So it's okay."

"No it's not!" the girl screeched. "It's murder! You're a murderer!"

I raced over to calm the situation. "My twin sister has been kidnapped and I'm so distraught!" I told her, flashing her the appropriate look.

The girl softened. "I'm sorry," she said. Then she smiled. "It's strange, I'm on my way to Stoneybrook to help solve a case about a girl who's been kidnapped. Her twin sister called my friends for help."

"Wow, that _is _strange," I said. "Especially since I'm also going to Stoneybrook."

"You dumbasses," Lila snapped. "You're obviously both working on the same case."

"You think?" I asked. "But it's so coincidental that we would meet at the airport like this. It's like something you'd read in a really bad story by a really lazy author." Then I shrugged. "Oh well, I'm Jessica."

"Dawn," the girl introduced.

Our flight was called and we headed for the boarding gates. Connecticut, here I come!

* * *

I met Kristy Thomas at the Stoneybrook Airport. I had assumed that she would be the only one picking me up so I was surprised to find a group of about twenty people waiting for us. 

Kristy introduced herself, then eyed my friends warily. "I didn't realise you were bringing other people," she said.

"Well…"

"Hey, it's okay," Kristy smiled. "The BSC come on all of my vacations as well. I can't even remember the last holiday I took without them."

As Kristy rushed around arranging accommodation for the rest of the gang, I sized up the Baby-Sitters Club. The newspaper article had been published without a photo, so I'd had no idea how young they were until now. I couldn't believe that a bunch of thirteen years had already captured so many criminals. I was confident they'd be able to find Lizzie.

Apart from Kristy, there were five others. Two of them (one who was very definitely black - not that I cared!) looked a bit younger. The Asian one looked kind of weird and the brunette was crying for some reason. But the blond, who was plastered all over an older boy, looked kind of cool. She reminded me of myself at that age.

Then Kristy's little Asian sister puked on Lila's shoes. Dawn laughed cruelly as Lila turned redder and redder. I knew that face. It was time to get out of here.

* * *

Kristy managed to find places for all of us in her neighbourhood. Lila came back with me to Kristy's, Enid and Todd went with Abby Stevenson and Bruce and Winston were across the street at the Kilbournes. 

After we'd unpacked, Lila suggested that we, "rent a car and explore this shithole. Or maybe drive to New York?"

I was about to agree when I heard Kristy roar up the stairs, "Emergency BSC meeting!"

I shook my head sadly. "I came here to look for my abducted twin sister," I told her seriously. "And I guess that means I'll have to make some sacrifices."

"I still don't know why we came _here_ to look for her," Lila retorted. "And have you even called the police?"

"C'mon Li, everyone knows that the police never solve anything in these mystery editions," I said patiently, as though I were talking to a child. "It's always up to the plucky teenagers to crack the case."

"Speaking of crack," Lila said, "I think you've taken some. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going across the street to give Bruce a blow job."

I smirked as I watched her leave. Lila and Bruce's sex games are the best-kept secret in Sweet Valley. They weren't even in any of the Secret Diaries.

With a sigh, I exited my room. It was a beautiful summer's day and I really didn't want to spend it cooped up inside when I could be outside trolling for hotties.

Then, the bedroom door next to mine opened and the cutest guy I had seen so far came out into the hallway. I turned to him and gave him my best, 'my twin sister's been kidnapped' face. "I'm Jessica," I said, trying to coo and still sound distraught.

"Charlie," he said with a smile. "If there's anything I can do for you…"

"I'll let you know," I told him. I sashayed away, smiling. Stoneybrook was starting to look up!


	4. Stacey

_Yeah, this chapter kinda sucks. Stacey was always my favourite so I'm finding it a little hard to be too...facetious with her. I'll try better next time, promise!_

* * *

**Stacey**

The last place I wanted to be that afternoon was the Brewer-Thomas den. I would have much preferred to be upstairs in Sam's room. We'd been doing the horizontal mumbo jumbo, as he calls it (he's such a goof!), for a few weeks now and I was really beginning to enjoy it. Who'da thought that Stacey McGill would turn out to be such a whore?

To be honest, I really hadn't wanted to at first. But when Sam told me that all the high school kids were doing it, I knew I had to. I am, after all, the sophisticated one.

I sat up straighter as Jessica entered the room. I'd only just met Jess but already I liked her. She was so beautiful, with her perfect blond hair and perfect size six figure and perfect blue-green eyes. I hoped to turn out like her when I was sixteen!

Kristy was firing questions before she'd even had a chance to sit. "Do you have any suspects?"

"Sure!" Jessica pulled a piece of paper from her pocket and handed it to Kristy. "I wrote you a list."

I managed to catch a glimpse over Kristy's shoulder. The list was pretty long! I raised my eyebrows at the first suspect; _Carl, the guy who kidnapped Liz the first time_. "So this has happened before," I commented.

"Oh yeah," Jessica said. "This is the… third? Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the third time Liz has been kidnapped this year. It's funny," she added with a laugh, "even though Liz is supposed to be the one everyone loves, she's the one with all the enemies. She's been stalked and kidnapped and attacked way more than me."

"Stalked? Attacked?" Mallory sounded pretty scared. Jessi sat next to her, looking black _(A/N: that's never going to get old. I apologise in advance for the copious amount of 'Jessi's black' references this story is likely to have.)_

Jessica nodded and told us about her previous adventures. They were nothing like ours. The girl had survived numerous attempts on her life, plus werewolves and vampires, and still managed to be Homecoming Queen. And I thought I had a hard life with my diabetes and parents divorce!

The more Jess talked, the more impressed I became. I was beginning to think that I'd found my kindred spirit.

* * *

Kristy threw a party that night to welcome Jessica and her friends to Stoneybrook. She invited the entire BSC and a bunch of people from school. I warned her that Jess and her friends probably didn't want to hang out with a bunch of middle school kids, only to receive one of her patented Kristy Thomas death stares. 

Kristy can be such a douche sometimes.

I arrived early. Jessica and Lila were already in the den. I took the seat next to Jessica. "Charlie Thomas is so cute," she was saying.

"Don't even think about it Wakefield," Lila snapped. "I saw him first.'

"You did not!" Jessica cried. "And you've got Bruce!"

Lila smiled calmly. "May the best woman win."

I was horrified. It must have shown, because Jessica laughed and patted my knee. "Don't worry, we do this all the time!" she assured me.

"We're always falling for the same guys," Lila added.

"And you're still friends?" I cried. "When I went out with Jeremy, Claudia wouldn't talk to me for months!"

"You obviously don't have a very good friendship," Jessica said, shrugging. "Not like me and Li."

I was intrigued. I'd always maintained that it was totally unfair that Claudia had been so pissed about the whole Jeremy thing. I mean, can I help it that she's so... weird? And now I had proof!

My life would be so much easier if I had friends like Jessica and Lila.

Jessica introduced me to the rest of her friends as they arrived. Bruce was very attractive but _way_ too old, even for me, and I had a feeling that Lila would scratch my eyes out if I tried anything. He seemed pretty taken with Shannon, anyway.

Winston was, in my opinion, Alan Grey in three years time. Just as I was thinking that, Alan did his Little Orphan Annie trick with the M & Ms in his eyes, and Winston clapped him on the back and called him a comic genius. The pair of them were inseparable for the rest of the night.

Liz's boyfriend and best friend, Todd and… Erin? Edwina? I don't remember her name, but the pair of them arrived together. I had a bad feeling about Todd. Nobody's as wholesome as he makes out to be.

Erin/Edwina ended up in conversation with Mallory. Jessi looked pretty upset (and black) about being ignored by her best friend.

Todd lurked in the background. I knew there was something off about him.

Satisfied that everything was going well, I took up my position on Sam's lap and didn't move for the rest of the night. The last thing I remember seeing were Jessica and Lila hovering around Charlie. Charlie seemed pretty pleased.

As you would be.


	5. Lila

**Lila**

Kristy woke me early the next morning, screaming something about getting ready for Camp BSC. I jumped out of bed and dressed quickly, pausing briefly to reflect on how out of character it was for me to a) take orders from a thirteen year old and b) look after little children, but decided that, for the sake of the story, I would just go with the flow.

I passed Charlie in the hallway and gave him a long, lingering look. Honestly, I didn't even think he was that cute, but Jessica did and I _always_ go after the guys that Jessica likes. I'd hardly have any storylines if I didn't!

I asked Kristy about Elizabeth as we ate breakfast. I was a little confused that they were running a playgroup when they were supposed to be looking for Liz. Kristy just gave me one of her looks.

"We can run a playgroup _and_ look for Liz," she snarled at me. "We're very efficient. In fact, we're so efficient that we've managed to have ten Christmases, six Thanksgivings and four summer holidays at Sea City in one year."

I was pretty impressed. I mean, I'd only had three Christmases that year.

After breakfast, I followed Kristy outside to help her set up. Again, that was out of character for me, but what else was I going to do? _If only I had a diary_ I thought miserably. I could have killed some time writing. But I was never given one of those Secret Diary books. Fuckers.

The little brunette and the blond who had lectured me about my shoes were the first two people to arrive. Little Miss Protest took one look at my leather jacket and threw a bucket of red paint at me. I'm not sure where she got the paint; it just sort of appeared. The brunette burst into tears.

"What's wrong?" Kristy asked.

"D-D-Dawn used to be so cool in the beginning!" Waterworks cried. "But then the ghost-writers turned her into some sort of crazy protester! Wah!"

I rolled my eyes. These people were freaks! I inwardly cursed Jessica for bringing me here. Come to think of it, where was Jessica?

I had no time to ponder. The first child had arrived. She was a little girl, about four or five, with shiny brown hair. She was wearing a Laura Ashley dress and patent leather shoes. "Who are you?" I barked.

"Who are _you_?" she barked back, in a very Lila Fowler tone of voice.

I told her my name, and she reluctantly countered, "I'm Jenny Prezzioso." She looked at my jacket. "Is that Armani?"

"Yes," I told her, impressed.

"What happened to it?" she asked.

I jerked my thumb at Little Miss Protest, who was still comforting Waterworks. Jenny rolled her eyes at me. "That's all they ever do," she sighed. "Cry and yell at people to recycle. I hate them!"

And suddenly, I understood why Kristy and her friends loved baby-sitting so much. If their other charges were just half as nice and sweet as Jenny Prezzioso, the job must be a dream. "I love you," I burst out, unable to hold back the emotion.

"Yeah, whatever," Jenny snapped. "Read to me."

I spent the rest of the day with Jenny. I was surprised that the BSC just left us alone. Surely Jenny was their favourite kid – wouldn't they want to spend time with her? I guess they would see the bond we were developing.

The best part of the day was when Jenny's mom came to pick her up. "I want Lila to look after me always!" she cried.

Mrs Prezzioso looked at me. "I am looking for a sitter for the summer…"

"I'll do it!" I cried. Finally, this stupid vacation was going somewhere. I knew that baby-sitting Jenny wouldn't even feel like work. I had a feeling that we were going to be best friends.


	6. Claudia

_Thank you so much for all your reviews! And thank you Dorayaki for pointing out my typo. If you guys see any more please let me know cause I hate hate HATE typos!_

_Also, just so there's no confusion: Jessi is black. Hokay, back to the story._

* * *

While the rest of my friends were at Camp BSC, I was working diligently on the case at hand. I was armed with Jessica's list and the phonebook, which may not seem like much, but it was all I needed when I thought I was adopted and went searching for my real mother. 

But half an hour of flipping through the phone book was getting me nowhere. I was beginning to think that Jessica had goofed on the last names. I couldn't find 'Carl The Orderly' under T or O. And 'Luke The Werewolf Dude, I'm Pretty Sure We Were Given His Last Name But I Couldn't Be Bothered Looking For It' wasn't under T or W or D...

I decided to take drastic action and ask Janine for help. And I was pretty surprised when she agreed to help, considering I'm such a bitch to her most of the time and only treat her like a normal human being when I want something.

"What about an Internet search?" she suggested.

"What's the Internet?" I asked.

Janine rolled her eyes. "C'mon Claud, I know you're supposed to be dumb as dog shit, but this is ridiculous."

"Janine!" I cried. "These books were created in the 80's! And even the ones written in the 90's didn't keep up with the technology! If it weren't for that one book about the school trying to raise money for computers, I wouldn't even know what a computer was!"

So Janine tore herself away from her _Rocket Science for Dummies _long enough to show me how to do a Google search on her laptop. And within seconds, I'd found my first clue - the official _People Who Have Tried to Kill the Wakefield Twins _website. It had all the details of all the psychopaths they'd encountered in the past, as well as their current addresses and phone numbers. How convenient!

I wrote down the numbers and went back to my room to make the calls. Carl, of course, was the first name on my list.

"Hello, is this Carl?" I asked.

"Yes..."

"Hi, my name is Claudia Kishi," I told him.

"Do I know you?" he asked.

"No," I answered. "I'm the vice president of the Baby-Sitters Club. The reason I'm vice president is because we use my room for meetings, cause I have my own private phone line. I'm Japanese-American and have almond shaped eyes and long, silky hair. And even though I eat a lot of junk food (which I have to hide around my room cause my parent's don't approve of me eating junk) I have a flawless complexion and a perfect figure."

"C'mon, everyone always skips past that part," he told me. "Just get to it."

"Oh, sorry," I laughed. "Well, my friends and I are currently working on a mystery - who kidnapped Elizabeth Wakefield. It wasn't you, by any chance?"

"No," he told me.

"Oh. Okay. Well, thanks anyway!"

I hung up the phone. One suspect down, three hundred and twenty seven left to go!

* * *

By midnight, I'd made three hundred and twenty six calls. So far, nobody had fessed up to kidnapping Liz. There had to be an easier way of doing this, I thought, but I had no idea what that was. 

The last name on my list was Nora Chapelle. I wasn't sure if she'd answer so late, but she did. Because things always work out so conveniently for us.

"Hi, is this Nora?" I asked.

"No, it's Margo."

"Margo? Margo Pike? What are you doing at Nora's house?" I asked.

"Wrong Margo," she spat out. "This is Margo Black. Chapelle. Whatever.

I gasped. That Margo! "Aren't you supposed to be dead?" I asked.

"Nah," she said with a laugh. "I just held my breath and made everyone believe I was dead, just like the first time."

"But... you were stabbed!" I cried.

"I was impaled by a sheet of glass in _The Evil Twin_," she pointed out. "A knife wound was nothing compared to that."

"Well, anyway," I said, remembering I had a case to solve, "you haven't kidnapped Elizabeth Wakefield lately, have you?"

"Um..." Margo paused, thinking. "No, not that I remember. Hang, let me just check the basement, see if I've got any perfect, size six blond girls with blue-green eyes the colour of the Pacific Ocean lying around." There was a clunk as she set the phone down. A few minutes later, she returned. "Nope, nothing. It wasn't me this time."

I sighed. "Okay. Sorry to bother you."

I put the phone down and crossed the final name off our suspect list. Now what were we going to do?


	7. Winston

_Dear ryanstiles4me -Ryan's all right but I heart Colin Mochrie forever._

* * *

"Winnie! Telephone!" 

Tiffany Kilbourne batted her eyelashes as she handed me the phone. I smiled back at her. Sure, she was a little young, but it wasn't every day I had an attractive girl making eyes at me!

"Hello?"

"Winston? It's Alan. We met at Kristy's the other night?"

I smiled. Of course I remembered him. We'd spent hours talking at Kristy's party. We had so much in common, mainly that we were stereotypical class clowns with the sporadic 'class clown gets serious when he falls for a girl' turnabout. "Hey man, what's up?" I asked.

"Not much," he answered. "I was just wondering if you wanted to get together tonight?"

"Sure," I told him.

"Cool. I'll meet you at Pizza Express in ten minutes?"

"See you then."

When I reached the pizza joint, I found Alan waiting for me in a corner booth, making animal sculptures out of breadsticks. I sat across from him silently, unable to vocalise my respect. Making sculptures from food… why had I never thought of that? The kid was only thirteen, but he was a genius!

"Wow," I said, nodding at the sculpture. "And I thought the thing with the M and Ms was impressive!"

Alan wrinkled his nose with disgust. "That joke's old," he told me. "They have me do it at every party!"

"Who's they?" I asked. But before Alan could answer, a waitress appeared and asked for our order. After she left, Alan turned to me.

"I asked you here for a reason," he said. "I need your help with something."

"Yeah?" I said. "What?"

His eyes narrowed and he moved his hands together in a Mr Burns 'excellent' gesture. He didn't look like Alan Gray Class Clown at that moment. "I need you to help me get revenge on the Baby-Sitter's Club," he said.

"Revenge? Revenge for what?" I inquired.

"Book two, _Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls_," he replied. "God, have you read that crap? They've got me lurking around like a fucking stalker! And all because I'm supposed to be sooo in love with Kristy. Kristy! How could they do that to me?"

"Alan. Who's they?" I repeated, overly patiently.

"Wake up Winston!" Alan cried. "They… _they_ are the ones who created us! They're the one's who made Kristy a bossy, sports-loving tomboy who was abandoned by her father, and Stacey a sophisticated New Yorker with diabetes and divorced parents, and Claudia a junk food loving, artistic dumb ass… But what did they give me? Nothing but this stupid typecast class clown persona."

I paused, giving Alan a chance to settle down. Then I asked, very tentatively, "Are you a schizophrenic?"

Alan didn't seem offended. "Think about it," he said. "What are your parents names?"

"My mom's name is Sharon," I answered. "My dad's name is…" I trailed off. Now that I thought about it, I had no idea what my fathers name was.

"What about your past?" Alan continued. "Do you remember anything before this year?"

"I remember second grade," I told him, a little smugly. "And sixth grade." (_A/N: Which is when the Sweet Valley Kids and Sweet Valley Twins series take place. Geddit, geddit?_)

Alan looked at me sadly. "Face it buddy," he sighed. "We're minor characters. Unformed and one dimensional, with very little back story."

That was when it hit me. Every single memory I had pertained to Elizabeth or Jessica in some way. All my life, I'd just assumed it was normal for the Wakefield twins to be so freakishly present in every aspect of my life. But maybe… Maybe Alan was on to something.

"But we're going to do something about it," Alan continued. "We're going to get our revenge."

"Wait a minute," I said. "Aren't there already enough sub plots in this story?"

"Never!" Alan cried. "We're going to blow this operation sky high, baby. Our sub plot is going to be so amazingly bizarre that it will take the attention from all the other sub plots."

I was hooked. "Okay. What do you want me to do?"

Alan leaned forward and whispered in my ear.

* * *

Alan warned me I may not get another chapter. I had to act quickly. 

After leaving Pizza Express I used a fake ID to get into a bar, got arrested, learned a valuable lesson, met a hot college girl, lied to her about my age, was caught out, learned a valuable lesson, threw a party when my parents were out of town, had the house trashed, learned a valuable lesson, lost my girlfriend to cancer, had a car crash and temporarily lost my vision, had a plane crash and was temporarily paralysed, found out that my real father was a Patman, attempted suicide because I didn't make it onto the cheerleading squad, used steroids, tried crack and toned down my gossiping ways after my parents divorced. And learned a valuable lesson.

I called Alan. "I'm almost done," I told him. "But… all these things are so dated and clichéd. If we're going to bumped up to A-plot status, shouldn't we use fresh and original storylines? Alan… Alan? Why are you laughing?"


	8. Mallory

_Funny you should mention that, loki kix, because there's an Elizabeth chapter coming up and it will indeed make mention of her holier-than-thouness (great word!)_

* * *

Hitchhiking is so stale! 

Claudia had called me an hour ago. She said she was stuck and needed me to come into Stoneybrook to help with the case. Of course, I was eager to be of assistance, but it did mean hitchhiking back to Connecticut. What a pain!

Things would have been so much easier for me if I'd just been able to stay at home. But I didn't have a room at the Pike house anymore. Dad had turned it into his study as soon as I left. He told us we weren't allowed to go in there, but I'd snuck a peek one day and I didn't see what the big secret was. All he had in there were videos! Most of them were misspelled, though – _Star Whores_ and _Assablanca_ and _The Wedding Swingers_ – so maybe they were illegal pirated copies.

Vanessa must have been pretty mad about losing her room cause she'd moved out the next day. Well, I assume she moved out. Nobody had seen her since. And then Nicky had moved out a few weeks later! I don't know why; he got to keep his room.

But I wasn't thinking about my siblings that morning. I was too busy trying to get a ride. I knew why no one was stopping for me; it was my stupid outfit. It's hard for me to put together stylish, sophisticated outfits because my parents treat me like such a baby! They won't let me buy miniskirts or G-strings or chaps or any of the dibbly fresh things that Stacey gets to wear.

I knew that if I were wearing Stacey's bright red leather mini dress, I would have been picked up hours ago.

Finally, somebody pulled over and let me in. I looked at my watch. I was so late! I was a little worried about what Kristy would do to me when I got there. She hates tardiness.

And I had good reason to be concerned. When I arrived at Kristy's, she sentenced me to an hour in The Box. The Box is one of Kristy's many super dibble ideas. It's an old wardrobe that she locks us in so we can think about what we've done. Kristy can be a little cruel and unusual sometimes, but we all know that the club wouldn't run as smoothly if she weren't!

As soon as she let me out, I got to work. I decided to interview all of Liz's friends to see if they had any information we could use. I started with Enid.

Enid is so chilly. I talked to her for hours at Kristy's party. I was a little surprised to discover she had a seedy drug past, but who was I to judge? After all, I _had_ eaten that rum ball at the last Pike Christmas party.

"Where are the twins parents, anyway?" I asked Enid.

Enid looked sad. "Mrs Wakefield was prescribed Valium after Liz was arrested for vehicular manslaughter," she explained. "We all thought she'd stop using it after Liz was acquitted, but that was just the beginning of the crazy adventures!"

"What about Mr Wakefield?"

Enid laughed, then clapped a hand over her mouth. "It's really not funny," she mumbled. "See… everyone always says that Mrs Wakefield could pass for the twin's sister. Cause she looks so young, right? Well…"

"Well what?" I pressed.

"Well, a bunch of cops saw Mr and Mrs Wakefield together one day," Enid continued. "And they arrested Mr Wakefield for sexual acts with a minor. They refused to believe that Mrs Wakefield was older than sixteen. I guess in some ways it's a compliment… for Mrs Wakefield, at least."

"Wow, poor Mr Wakefield," I said softly.

"Nah, he prefers things on the inside," Enid told me. "It's less dramatic than living in Sweet Valley."

"So I guess we can cross Mr and Mrs Wakefield off our suspect list," I commented.

"Wait a minute… do you think somebody close to Liz took her?" Enid asked.

I shrugged. "I may not be the sleuth that Claudia is," I told her, "but I've read enough detective novels to know that it's always the person you least suspect."

Enid paused. "What about Dana Larson?" she blurted out.

"Who?"

"Dana Larson, lead singer of The Droids." She shrugged and added meekly, "I don't know, I'm just throwing out random names."

"No, that's good," I told her. "Why don't you make a list of the least likely suspects? We'll get Claudia to do another round of calls when you're done."

Enid started scribbling away. While I waited, I called home. Mom answered the phone.

"Guess what!" she cried. "Byron moved out!"

"Another one?" I couldn't believe how rapidly the Pike kids were moving out.

"Yep." Her voice lowered. "And then there were four," she added.

"O-okay mom." I hung up quickly. There was something about her tone of voice that creeped me out.

Enid handed me the completed list. "Hey," she said slowly, as if something had just occurred to her, "what if all those suspects that Claudia called were lying when they said they didn't have Liz?"

I laughed. Enid was a nice girl, but she wasn't a detective like us. It's a good thing we were on the case; Liz wouldn't have a chance otherwise!


	9. Liz

I opened my eyes and took in the dark, shadowy cellar. Suddenly, it dawned on me – I'd been kidnapped. Again!

"Why?" I cried, tears pouring down my face. "Why does this always happen to me? And why has it taken so long for me to have my own chapter? Does the author hate me?" (_A/N: Yes.)_

I could hear footsteps coming down the stairs and I took a few seconds to wonder who the kidnapper was this time. I really hoped it was someone different and not just a recurrence of a past villain. How boring!

The kidnapper stepped into the light. I gasped. "I can't believe it. It's-"

But before I could say anything, the kidnapper leapt forward and put a hand over my mouth. "Shhhh…" he/she warned. "We can't let the reader know who I am yet. We're only up to the ninth chapter."

"Oh. Sorry." I pursed my lips with embarrassment. After so many kidnappings, you'd think I'd know the rules of the game by now! "Well, how about I call you Jo?" I suggested. Jo nodded his/her consent.

There was a long silence. "So…" I drawled eventually, "why d'ya kidnap me?"

And then, to my surprise, Jo began to cry. "I-I-I just couldn't take it anymore!" he/she cried. "Everywhere I turned, there were these perfect, size six blond twins with blue-green eyes the colour of the Pacific. It was all right with Jessica – she's a bit of a ho, and she's not that bright either – but you… you were sweet and smart and so fucking nice!"

I couldn't stand to see Jo in so much pain. Sure, he/she had kidnapped me, but I'm not the type to hold a grudge. If someone needed my help then dagnabbit, I was going to give it.

I rose from my chair and put my arms around Jo.He/she looked slightly surprised – I had, after all, been tied to that chair – but he/she didn't dwell on it for too long. These sorts of oh-so-convenient continuity errors happen _all_ the time.

"Look at me!" Jo continued. "I live in a freaking cellar, for crying out loud!"

I looked around. It was a generic hostage container – dimly lit, dripping pipes, the works – but I could see that the place had potential. If only my mom weren't so hooked on Valium. I could have had her come and take a look at the place.

"Now you listen to me," I told Jo sternly. "Your life isn't going to get any better if you continue to sit around crying. You have to work at improving things. Take this cellar, for example. If the two of us worked together, I know we can spruce it up."

Jo dried his/her eyes. "Really?" I nodded encouragingly. "But… why are you helping me?"

"Because… well, because that's what I do!" I cried. I was surprised that Jo even had to ask. "I'm always helping other people with their affairs, whether they want me to or not."

There was a pause, and then, "Okay!" Jo exclaimed happily. "Let's do it!"

* * *

We'd completely renovated the cellar by that afternoon. I couldn't understand Jo's amazement – he/she was acting like a complete transformation in five hours was something out of the ordinary! 

The previously dark, dank cellar was now decorated in light shades. We'd added a few skylights and covered all the ratty chairs with nice, blue fabric. And I managed to convince Jo to replace the itchy rope restraints with soft silky ones. By the time we were done, it was the kind of place in which I didn't mind riding out the rest of my kidnapping.

When Jo came downstairs later than night, I was sitting at my desk writing an article for _The Oracle_. "What are you doing that for?" Jo asked.

"Oh, this is what I'm always doing when someone comes to see me," I explained.

"Whatever," Jo said. "Hey, you wanna go out tonight? I know a really hot guy who's dying to meet you!"

I gasped. "But Jo!" I cried. "I have a boyfriend."

Jo rolled his/her eyes. "C'mon Liz, you always cheat on Todd in the super specials."

"Yeah, but this is a mystery edition," I explained patiently.

"Fine," Jo sighed. "But he's a cute, sensitive, non-threatening male who enjoys literature."

My eyes widened. "I love cute, sensitive, non-threatening males who enjoy literature!" I cried. Then I shook my head. "No. I have to stay faithful to Todd."

"That'll be a first," Jo muttered, then went back up the stairs.

I turned back to my article with a sigh. I had a feeling this kidnapping was about to get rough!


	10. Dawn

I was contemplating the unthinkable. I was about to do something so vile, so sickeningly heinous that it made my insides crawl just imagining it. How did I get to this point? Well, it all started last night.

It was just after dinner. I had the living room to myself – Mary Anne was in her room, Richard was colour sorting the trash and mom was staring blankly at the tampons in her make-up case and wondering what happened to her favourite lipstick. I settled myself in for a night of uninterrupted _Discovery Channel _viewing.

After a poignant episode of _Animal Cops: Ames, Iowa_, it was time for the documentary of the night – _Carnivores: Murderers, or Just People With Half a Fucking Brain?_

It was the most thought provoking sixty minutes of my entire life. I learned so much. Apparently, humans are _supposed_ to eat meat. Like, it has iron and stuff that keeps us healthy and we have these teeth in the back of our heads so that we can chew it and other _animals_ eat meat! Like lions and bears and lizards and stuff. I never knew! Turns out, eating meat is one of the most natural things in the world.

So that's why, the next morning, I was at the _Rosebud Café_ with a chicken caeser salad.

I knew I had to just do it,that if I stopped to think about it, I would lose my nerve. I grabbed my fork, speared a small piece of chicken and shoved it into my mouth.

I chewed. Once. Twice. Three times. And it wasn't really that bad. In fact, it tasted kind of good. I tried another piece. Then another. Before I knew it, I had finished the entire thing.

The waitress came back to the table and took my plate. "Can I get you anything else?" she asked.

I took a deep breath. "I'd like… a hamburger," I told her.

The room fell silent. People stopped talking and turned to stare at me incredulously. The jukebox switched off. The phone stopped mid ring. On the television, the news anchors stopped talking and stared at each other in shock. Outside, cars stopped in the street and planes fell from the sky.

Well,it _was_ a pretty big deal.

Minutes later, the waitress brought out the hamburger. Everyone watched anxiously as I took a small bite.

"Well?" someone asked.

I nodded slowly. "It's pretty good."

The room erupted in cheers. The news anchors hugged each other and people danced out in the streets. The entire town celebrated the new that Dawn Shafer had been converted.

I was a carnivore.

* * *

Kristy called later to remind me that we were neglecting the baby-sitting subplot. "I'm sending a few of the charges round to your place," she told me. 

"Sure Kristy, it's not like I was doing anything," I mumbled sarcastically.

"What else would you be doing?" she asked, genuinely baffled. She had a point.

Half an hour later, I had the Three Musketeers (that's Karen Brewer, Hannie Papadakis and Nancy Dawes, in case you never read the _Little Sister_ books) and Maria Kilbourne (Tiffany was going to come, then she remembered that she was eleven, just like Mallory and Jessi, and too old to need a baby-sitter) gathered in my living room.

"Okay what do you want to do?" I asked.

"Look for clues!" Maria answered.

"Yeah!" Karen cried. "Let's wear disguises and stake out downtown."

The other girls trilled their agreement so I pulled out my old dress up box and they put together their disguises. I even allowed them to use some of my old make up. I think we did a pretty good job. I barely recognised any of them under the layers and layer of foundation and lipstick.

Karen laid out the plan as we walked into town. "We'll each take a corner of Main Street," she ordered. "Dawn, you take up position at _Thelma's_ and watch everything." She was pretty systematic for a seven year old.

We reached our location and took our posts. I grabbed an outside table at _Thelma's_ while the girls settled into their respectivecorners. They looked so sassy, with their sparkly dresses and colourful make up. I watched with amusement as they asked passing businessmen for information. Most of the businessmen ran away as soon as they approached!

"Are you ordering?" a waitress asked.

I picked up the menu and scanned it quickly. "I'll have a BLT," I told her. Bacon was something I still hadn't tried.

I had just taken the first bite of my sandwich when a hand fell on my shoulder. I turned and looked up. A police officer was staring down at me, his face grim.

I dropped the sandwich. "It's not how it looks!" I cried. "I'm just… experimenting."

"I've received complaints about under aged prostitutes working the corners of Main Street," he said. "The girls tell me you're in charge of them." He pulled me to my feet and slapped a pair of handcuffs around my wrists. "You're under arrest."

I gulped. I was a carnivorous pimp!


	11. Todd

_A/N: I know I've been really slack about updating in the past couple of weeks, but I'm back at uni and having to deal with trivialities such as __World Literature and Comparitive Politics. Sorry! Just a short update for now, hopefully I'll be able to add more in the upcoming weeks. Thank you to everyone who keeps reading (and reviewing) despite my disgusting neglect :) _

I know that I should have been more upset about Liz's disappearance but the truth was, I was pretty freakin excited. I knew she wasn't in any immediate danger, and she'd survive the ordeal, of course; these things are pretty formulaic. So I saw her kidnapping as a chance for us to take a break from each other.

Don't get me wrong. I love Liz. What's not to love? She's a perfect, size six blonde… well, I'm sure you know how it goes by now. The problem was, we'd been together since we were twelve (save for a few plot driven break ups) and we hadn't even rounded first base yet.

I'd been living with a severe case of blue balls for way too long.

So I figured I'd live the single life while she was gone. The aim was to score a home run before she returned and I had to turn back into the dutiful, dedicated steady boyfriend I've always been.

Lucky for me, I was surrounded by a bevy of single girls. Some of the Baby-Sitters Club members were hot! And I was starting to get used to Bruce muttering "jailbait" every time I tested my moves on one of them.

Unfortunately, they didn't dig my groove. When I asked Kristy if she wanted to play master/servant, she screamed that she was always the master and locked me in The Box for the afternoon. And when I played Ginuwine's _Pony _for Mallory, I ended up spending the rest of the day playing horsie's in the Stevenson's backyard.

_Sigh_. After an unsuccessful couple of days, I decided that I would have to try my luck with someone my own age. Since I'd already had relations with Jessica and Lila, I figured Enid was the way to go.

Okay, so I'd picked my target, now I needed a plan. I thought back to my affairs with Jessica and Lila, hoping for a little inspiration, and then…_ping_! I could almost see the light bulb flash above my head. Of course! Both of those relations had taken place under extreme circumstances.

See, in Sweet Valley, when crazy things happen (which seems to be every week), it's accepted… no, it's expected that you hook up with the closest person of the opposite sex. Of course, when things go back to normal you regret it and act like it never happened, but that was fine. In fact, it was perfect.

All I needed to do was create an extreme circumstance. The beautiful part was, it didn't matter how tired and clichéd, or how unbelievable, it was. After spending 16 years in Sweet Valley, you come to believe anything.

Enid was in the kitchen. I raced down the stairs. "Enid, I think I know who kidnapped Liz!" I cried. "It was..." c'mon Todd, think! "…it was my evil twin brother!" I finished triumphantly. "And now he's after me!" When she looked unimpressed, I added, "And he's a werewolf. No, a vampire. No, both – a vampire werewolf." Now _that_ was something none of us had encountered before.

Success! Enid stopped what she was doing and threw her arms around me. "How can I help?"

"Well, you can help me fight this, uh, vampire-werewolf dealy," I said. "It'll be fun. We'll spend long nights at the library doing research, growing closer and closer as we spend more time together… we'll do stake outs where, to alleviate the boredom, we'll end up revealing our inner most thoughts and feelings… and eventually, the intensity of the case will spill out into sexual chemistry that will result in us sharing a night of passion!"

She looked wary. "One condition," she said, holding up a finger. "When it's over, we have to regret it and pretend like nothing ever happened."

"Of course!" I cried.

She smiled with relief. "Count me in!" she cried.


End file.
